Psalm 113:9 (KJV)
He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.
I ask you to think deeply about the love you have for your children. Not as a collective group but individually. Think about each child with their unique personalities and if God has blessed you with a child with disabilities think deeply about that also. To what end would you go for that child? How far? Would you give up your home to pay their medical to save their lives, I have know some who have done so without a second thought, I know some who wish they could trade their homes for the life of the child they lost. Do you possess any belonging in retrospect that holds more value either monitarily or sentimentally than any of your children?
Well this is Essie's story. It is a story of loss and gain, of giving up to get much more. Of trusting the Lord without question when He tells you to do what makes no sense to the world outside, His love and living for Him.
I was not interested in adopting a girl, point blank, black and white. I was looking for two little boys. But as stated the Lord has a sense of humor and I am living proof. Essie was a gift in a four pack of children we adopted at one time. Ages 2, 3, 5, and 7. We knew Paul was Developmentally Disabled, and had ADHD. I was the one who informed them he also was Autistic which was later confirmed. Your not a special education teacher for 20 years without being able to call that one a mile away. Essie on the other hand was this teeny tiny peanut. Labeled Failure to Thrive she arrived at 2 1/2 years old weighing a whopping 16 pounds, yes SIXTEEN pounds, she had few teeth and little hair, she wore a size 12months. Despite all this she was a sharp little bundle and sweet as could be. So much for not wanting a girl, sold, hook, line and sinker as they say.
She did beautiful began talking a mile a minute. She was the love of everyone who met her. She was well behaved and meek, which was such a joy. She was 3 1/2 now.Remember at this point I also have, Ash-"stick in the mud", Eli-"The Nutty Professor" and Paul-"Sammy Davis Jr...Jr"
Then came the mistake of our lives at about 4. People can agree to disagree but I watched what happen before my eyes so feel free to argue with someone ELSE! Essie had no history of children's vaccines. I really had become iffy as we are an organic family but hey.... I may be well educated but I am not a doctor... right. WRONG! Mistake #1. I should have gone home and prayed about it. I had a sick feeling and that should have been a clue something was wrong. I just thought, I was upset because I was blindsided by the doctors office. They gave her quite a few shots, every visit for a few weeks. It did not take long to realize something terrible was wrong. Something very, very wrong. Behavioral outbursts, aggression and screaming started right away. Vicious attacks towards other members of the family then started. We put her in a Christian nursery school but were called in 3 out of every 5 days. She attacked other children, threw scissors, bit and was sharp tonged. Extremely oppositional. The school worked hard and actually removed the one lovely sweet teacher and put in a tougher teacher (also lovely) with the hope that they could maintain her. WRONG! She loved both teachers and would tell them so, but could not control herself.
We finally pulled her out for the betterment of the other children and the staff in general. We began homeschooling all 7 the following year. I was teaching full time during the day. Gary had just lost his job when his company folded so here we go. We tried homeschooling for 2 years but she just got bigger and worse behaved. The outbursts were more frequent and more violent. We also had been blessed with a 5 adoption of a baby whom she attacked without provocation. Almost always she would attack the baby's face or our second oldest daughters hands and feet (She has a serious debilitating joint and muscle disease). Now our backs were against the wall. I knew God was telling me to leave work to be home to care for her and the others,but Gary was not on board. We talked, mostly we fought. Even time with pastor left me without a solution that gave me peace. God is telling me one thing and my husband wants no part. I want to do what is right and I know I must honor my husband. (I am not good at this, it is my greatest area of work over the past few years). So the wrong answer in my heart, mind and soul was to do what we promised God we would never do. I left it in Gary's hands and the responsibility of breaking a promise to God with him as well. Essie and Ash were put in public school 'so their special needs could be better met'. Actually, Essie and Ash were put in school to keep the family safe for the 8 hours a day while I was teaching in the public sector and Gary was working at his new job.
At work God's blessings were clearly no longer with me and my season was over but that was a mute point. Stress and difficulties at work increased only to hammer God's point home. We began having Essie evaluated (schools request, go figure) with an outside agency which I highly recommend to home school parents. If your child has a disability, an evaluation with a good quality service provider can provide you with recommendations on how best to work with them at home. It is not pushing them into the public sector but we will talk about that another time. Essie's evaluation revealed that she had full blown Autism, was now Developmentally Delayed (MR) and had ADHD (really what a shocker that was) Side bar, has any parent ever gotten a diagnosis of ADHD and went "WOW,really their such a kitten at home." I was relieved to have an answer but Autism and Retardation.... WHAT HAPPENED? She was fine, too small but fine. This is my speciality folks. I am a master teacher with 22 years of education in the area of special education and have hours and hours of in service on Autism. My child's Autism and brain damage is directly related to her vaccines, and sadly I have to live with that forever. But I won't be foolish enough to make the mistake any further or with the baby.
Essie's year in public school. I have not mentioned she also has PICA which is a condition where those who have it eat inedible items. Her personal preference is toilet paper, cotton balls and tissues by the ream. She has also eaten all the "Fun tak" the school had on the walls. Once, twice but on the tenth and twelfth time you get a bit annoyed she still has opportunities to do this. She eats band aides and plastic bags. So note...note....note....."STOP SENDING HER TO THE NURSE!" "Paper is not a snack Essie", don't give her a Styrofoam cup at snack please, please, "WHAT DON'T YOU GET!" I sent her in a special ordered Christmas sweater with Christmas trees on it, dumb! She ate 32 (yep we counted the missing ones) metal pieces sewn on as direction. Another trip to the doctor. Essie is an eloper which is the new term for runner or wanderer. She was lost in school multiple times (9 I believe in the Spring). She could not go to the bathroom alone as she likes to stand on the sink and wet the mirrors and look at herself through the wet reflection, NICE, a little dangerous. Every day was a new nightmare and heartache. The final straw came when Essie's grade went to the zoo and she got away and managed to enter an animal area and fed the monkeys her lunch. Another trip to the doctor to check for scratches. Can you imagine what kind of things monkeys carry? The note I got contained the following message, I have reworded. "since she wandered she was sat in time out on a bench for 45 minutes." REALLY! The school lost my mentally retarded, Autistic 7 year old and punished HER for 45 minutes. Please know my school district is phenomenal, seriously a great school with great people who work really hard. But when God does not want you child some where and you are in sin by not obeying HIM, bad things will happen. Essie was more than the school could handle.Essie needed to be with the one person who thought she was the most important person in the world. Essie need to be where her safety was more important than state tests and the good of the group. The only place that could happen is at home.
For Essie to get what she needed was for me to walk away from my job. Walk away from my retirement and my insurance, walk away from our financial stability. I have always been the bigger bread winner. But I go back to paragraph number one. What would you do for your child. The leading cause of death for Autistic children is eloping, wandering and falling into danger that causes death. My child does not have cancer. my child does not have heart disease or many of the terrible things that parents pray over every day. My child has autism, she has no fear of strangers, no fear of traffic or animals. My child has a limited intellect, she will eat poison, she will get in a car with stranger, she could be victimized with the turn of a head.
Essie is my child, God placed her in my heart and my home. He allowed another woman to birth her and her siblings for me to raise and I am eternally grateful. Essie is my beautiful little girl, no child was ever loved more. God gave me a great capacity to love....Thank you my King! Before the foundation of the Earth He knew her story and chose me for her mother and I am grateful. There are times I need prayers, there are times I need a quiet bath all by myself. There are times I need the strength of friends opposed to the judgement of strangers. But all in all, what I need most is the God who loves me and is always there for me. It is my responsibility to start my day in devotions to Him so I am strong for the day to come. It is my responsibility to seek His face when the walls close in or fall down around me. It is my privilege to thank Him for the smiles and strides we make each day. To thank Him for her progress big or small. You see, I am blessed, I am Essie's mother. Would I adopt her again Yes. God has made me more than I was to be her mama. He made me less of myself to be her mama. He made me a better person to be her mama. God is so good.
With God you can be more than you are, as more than you are you have the ability to help make a child more than they are. With God you can make a difference in the lives of children, that lasts for an eternity, it does not rot or rust, it can not be stolen or break. It will carry on for generations. God is better than we deserve. Our lives here on this earth are a mere bus stop in time. Make your time here count for someone other than you.
I ask you to think deeply about the love you have for your children. Not as a collective group but individually. Think about each child with their unique personalities and if God has blessed you with a child with disabilities think deeply about that also. To what end would you go for that child? How far? Would you give up your home to pay their medical to save their lives, I have know some who have done so without a second thought, I know some who wish they could trade their homes for the life of the child they lost. Do you possess any belonging in retrospect that holds more value either monitarily or sentimentally than any of your children?
Well this is Essie's story. It is a story of loss and gain, of giving up to get much more. Of trusting the Lord without question when He tells you to do what makes no sense to the world outside, His love and living for Him.
I was not interested in adopting a girl, point blank, black and white. I was looking for two little boys. But as stated the Lord has a sense of humor and I am living proof. Essie was a gift in a four pack of children we adopted at one time. Ages 2, 3, 5, and 7. We knew Paul was Developmentally Disabled, and had ADHD. I was the one who informed them he also was Autistic which was later confirmed. Your not a special education teacher for 20 years without being able to call that one a mile away. Essie on the other hand was this teeny tiny peanut. Labeled Failure to Thrive she arrived at 2 1/2 years old weighing a whopping 16 pounds, yes SIXTEEN pounds, she had few teeth and little hair, she wore a size 12months. Despite all this she was a sharp little bundle and sweet as could be. So much for not wanting a girl, sold, hook, line and sinker as they say.
She did beautiful began talking a mile a minute. She was the love of everyone who met her. She was well behaved and meek, which was such a joy. She was 3 1/2 now.Remember at this point I also have, Ash-"stick in the mud", Eli-"The Nutty Professor" and Paul-"Sammy Davis Jr...Jr"
Then came the mistake of our lives at about 4. People can agree to disagree but I watched what happen before my eyes so feel free to argue with someone ELSE! Essie had no history of children's vaccines. I really had become iffy as we are an organic family but hey.... I may be well educated but I am not a doctor... right. WRONG! Mistake #1. I should have gone home and prayed about it. I had a sick feeling and that should have been a clue something was wrong. I just thought, I was upset because I was blindsided by the doctors office. They gave her quite a few shots, every visit for a few weeks. It did not take long to realize something terrible was wrong. Something very, very wrong. Behavioral outbursts, aggression and screaming started right away. Vicious attacks towards other members of the family then started. We put her in a Christian nursery school but were called in 3 out of every 5 days. She attacked other children, threw scissors, bit and was sharp tonged. Extremely oppositional. The school worked hard and actually removed the one lovely sweet teacher and put in a tougher teacher (also lovely) with the hope that they could maintain her. WRONG! She loved both teachers and would tell them so, but could not control herself.
We finally pulled her out for the betterment of the other children and the staff in general. We began homeschooling all 7 the following year. I was teaching full time during the day. Gary had just lost his job when his company folded so here we go. We tried homeschooling for 2 years but she just got bigger and worse behaved. The outbursts were more frequent and more violent. We also had been blessed with a 5 adoption of a baby whom she attacked without provocation. Almost always she would attack the baby's face or our second oldest daughters hands and feet (She has a serious debilitating joint and muscle disease). Now our backs were against the wall. I knew God was telling me to leave work to be home to care for her and the others,but Gary was not on board. We talked, mostly we fought. Even time with pastor left me without a solution that gave me peace. God is telling me one thing and my husband wants no part. I want to do what is right and I know I must honor my husband. (I am not good at this, it is my greatest area of work over the past few years). So the wrong answer in my heart, mind and soul was to do what we promised God we would never do. I left it in Gary's hands and the responsibility of breaking a promise to God with him as well. Essie and Ash were put in public school 'so their special needs could be better met'. Actually, Essie and Ash were put in school to keep the family safe for the 8 hours a day while I was teaching in the public sector and Gary was working at his new job.
At work God's blessings were clearly no longer with me and my season was over but that was a mute point. Stress and difficulties at work increased only to hammer God's point home. We began having Essie evaluated (schools request, go figure) with an outside agency which I highly recommend to home school parents. If your child has a disability, an evaluation with a good quality service provider can provide you with recommendations on how best to work with them at home. It is not pushing them into the public sector but we will talk about that another time. Essie's evaluation revealed that she had full blown Autism, was now Developmentally Delayed (MR) and had ADHD (really what a shocker that was) Side bar, has any parent ever gotten a diagnosis of ADHD and went "WOW,really their such a kitten at home." I was relieved to have an answer but Autism and Retardation.... WHAT HAPPENED? She was fine, too small but fine. This is my speciality folks. I am a master teacher with 22 years of education in the area of special education and have hours and hours of in service on Autism. My child's Autism and brain damage is directly related to her vaccines, and sadly I have to live with that forever. But I won't be foolish enough to make the mistake any further or with the baby.
Essie's year in public school. I have not mentioned she also has PICA which is a condition where those who have it eat inedible items. Her personal preference is toilet paper, cotton balls and tissues by the ream. She has also eaten all the "Fun tak" the school had on the walls. Once, twice but on the tenth and twelfth time you get a bit annoyed she still has opportunities to do this. She eats band aides and plastic bags. So note...note....note....."STOP SENDING HER TO THE NURSE!" "Paper is not a snack Essie", don't give her a Styrofoam cup at snack please, please, "WHAT DON'T YOU GET!" I sent her in a special ordered Christmas sweater with Christmas trees on it, dumb! She ate 32 (yep we counted the missing ones) metal pieces sewn on as direction. Another trip to the doctor. Essie is an eloper which is the new term for runner or wanderer. She was lost in school multiple times (9 I believe in the Spring). She could not go to the bathroom alone as she likes to stand on the sink and wet the mirrors and look at herself through the wet reflection, NICE, a little dangerous. Every day was a new nightmare and heartache. The final straw came when Essie's grade went to the zoo and she got away and managed to enter an animal area and fed the monkeys her lunch. Another trip to the doctor to check for scratches. Can you imagine what kind of things monkeys carry? The note I got contained the following message, I have reworded. "since she wandered she was sat in time out on a bench for 45 minutes." REALLY! The school lost my mentally retarded, Autistic 7 year old and punished HER for 45 minutes. Please know my school district is phenomenal, seriously a great school with great people who work really hard. But when God does not want you child some where and you are in sin by not obeying HIM, bad things will happen. Essie was more than the school could handle.Essie needed to be with the one person who thought she was the most important person in the world. Essie need to be where her safety was more important than state tests and the good of the group. The only place that could happen is at home.
For Essie to get what she needed was for me to walk away from my job. Walk away from my retirement and my insurance, walk away from our financial stability. I have always been the bigger bread winner. But I go back to paragraph number one. What would you do for your child. The leading cause of death for Autistic children is eloping, wandering and falling into danger that causes death. My child does not have cancer. my child does not have heart disease or many of the terrible things that parents pray over every day. My child has autism, she has no fear of strangers, no fear of traffic or animals. My child has a limited intellect, she will eat poison, she will get in a car with stranger, she could be victimized with the turn of a head.
Essie is my child, God placed her in my heart and my home. He allowed another woman to birth her and her siblings for me to raise and I am eternally grateful. Essie is my beautiful little girl, no child was ever loved more. God gave me a great capacity to love....Thank you my King! Before the foundation of the Earth He knew her story and chose me for her mother and I am grateful. There are times I need prayers, there are times I need a quiet bath all by myself. There are times I need the strength of friends opposed to the judgement of strangers. But all in all, what I need most is the God who loves me and is always there for me. It is my responsibility to start my day in devotions to Him so I am strong for the day to come. It is my responsibility to seek His face when the walls close in or fall down around me. It is my privilege to thank Him for the smiles and strides we make each day. To thank Him for her progress big or small. You see, I am blessed, I am Essie's mother. Would I adopt her again Yes. God has made me more than I was to be her mama. He made me less of myself to be her mama. He made me a better person to be her mama. God is so good.
With God you can be more than you are, as more than you are you have the ability to help make a child more than they are. With God you can make a difference in the lives of children, that lasts for an eternity, it does not rot or rust, it can not be stolen or break. It will carry on for generations. God is better than we deserve. Our lives here on this earth are a mere bus stop in time. Make your time here count for someone other than you.
A quick note. Essie is doing wonderful home with mama. Progress is great and she is safe. With the time I have to invest in my real #1 responsibility all their needs are being met and quess what? SURPRISE, God has provided for all our needs.
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